Poisonwhile
Although most of you would not care at all, it's time to explain why time is not an antidote for everything.
I was 6, the only thing that was making me joyful was just toys. I cried for a toy, I laughed for a toy, I ate more if the toy I wanted was the reward. Toys conditioned my sound and tears. However, I did never tell it loud as I wrote here. Everyone knew I want a toy but nobody knew how much a toy made me happy, that's why always my wishes were postponed.
I was 8, the only thing that was making me happy was going to a shopping mall. Seeing stores over there, running in that big and wide area. I have always been calm and never cried in case we go there. It was a huge dream for me to play in the mall's playground. In the middle of the mall, sitting in the seats close to the escalator and watching the escalator go up or down was a sensational feeling. Always looked like I was staring blankly, but no one knew I was staring enough to write here.
I was 10, the only thing that was making me happy was a video game. I tried to play video games at night, secretly. I wanted to explore the whole world of the game, learn new things and improve myself. When I could not play, I kept playing in my dreams. I had no other request. I never cried to play, I always sat at home quietly. I seemed quiet from the outside, but no one knew that I wanted to cry loud.
I was 12, the only thing that was making me happy was writing, I fell in love with it. My grades were well, I always studied hard to get my happiness. For the first time, my happiness was in my hand. I could write and delete whenever I want. I could be happy by myself. I wanted to explain to the person I fell in love that "loving someone is a not a shallow thing". Writing about her made me happy. I hid my anger, I did not shed a tear when we fought, I avoided anything that would make her unhappy. In short, I was quiet. Adults made fun of me, "Love, writing? At this age?", they said, but no one knew what I felt when I heard her voice.
I was 16, the only thing that was making me happy was having a book in future. I wrote a lot in 4 years. I just wanted a book with my name on it, with my words in it, like the books I've read when I was little. I had to earn money, so I started to work when I was studying. I was not happy in my workplace. I was quiet, not much talkative. I was just doing my job. When I told my dreams to others, they said "Focus on your classes and don't talk too much". They would not know I am the one who talk too much in these days.
I was 20, the only thing that was making me happy was my friends. University life began for me in another city, I could not get along with anyone except for a few people. It was a small but troublesome place. I was alone, I missed my friends. Sometimes I felt like I was crying out of anger, but "real men don't cry" was essential in their code. I chose to stay away from people. I went to my school and came back to my home. In short, I was quiet. Even though my friends called me "friend", they would not know they were actually not my friends.
I am 24, the only thing that could make me happy is to turn back time.
It's been years since I cried,
I am waiting quietly.
*This article was originally written in Turkish and translated by Gokce Karagok.
